Weight-lifting...

I mean "weight-lifting" not as a physical exercise, but as a mental one. I'm talking about the weight that we carry around on our shoulders and about the effect of having a weight lifted off of our shoulders. For a while now, I have been in a funk. It's not as bad now as it was before, but it's still been with me. There were momentary "good times"... momentary "ups", but then this weight would come right back and descend upon my shoulders. I hadn't pinpointed any one thing as the cause of this weight, but looking now, I think a large part of it was due to "uncertainty".
There were several things going on in several very important areas of my life... things that caused me to question who I was, what I wanted/ needed, where I was supposed to be, what I was supposed to be doing with my life, etc.
Without going into a lot of details, there were things that happened at church that led me (us, our family) to leave the church we were attending. This left a big, gaping hole of loss- losing good friends, support, and people that have been like an extended family (I'd gone to this church since I was a child). I went through a lot making this decision to leave. It was definitely a period of uncertainty. What was right for me? What was right for our family? What did we need in a church? Where could we find it? Should we stay or leave? What does God want me to do? Where is He leading me? There were a million and one questions. And, just as quickly as we had found a new place to worship, we were led back the the "old" church that I had grown up in. Again, there was uncertainty and again there were all the questions waiting to be answered a second time. And all the while, I was straining to hear God's voice... I'm still straining to hear it... to go where He is leading us (or stay where He wants us).
About the same time things began to change at work. Suddenly, we had more students than we've ever had in our classroom (with no more staff), staff was taken away or "reassigned", students were placed in our classroom that should be in more intensive, specialized programs. Add to that an administration that is scrutinizing my classroom/ program (and me), and I began to wonder if it was all worth it. Then came more questions: Should I keep teaching? Do I want to keep teaching? If I don't want to teach anymore, what do I want to do? And even more pressing were the questions about meeting my family's needs: What job (or jobs) can I do to keep insurance for our family? What can I do to make enough money to support us? What can I do without needing any further education? The kicker came on the last day before spring break when I discovered that our classroom was not included in the plans for the following year. We had been removed from the "classroom assignment floor plan" for the 2008-2009 school year without forewarning or explanation. I only discovered this during the staff meeting where the classroom assignments were handed out. I would think that out of professional courtesy an adminstrator would, at least, share this information with me before the meeting and offer an explanation of where we would be going next year (and that's all I'll say- venting doesn't do any good, anyway... just makes me mad all over again). I guess professional courtesy's not what it used to be...
And, as if the uncertainty of the church and job situations weren't enough, I went through the painful process of watching my intelligent, artistic, creative six-year-old struggle in first grade because of difficulty attending. I watched her struggle and fall further behind, despite interventions at home and at school. Finally, when our interventions weren't helping, we went to her pediatrician where she was diagnosed with ADHD (something I never saw coming- especially for this child) and she began taking a low dose of medicine to help with her inattention. The road to this place was paved with self-doubt and more questions: Is this something were causing at home? Is there something we should be doing differently? Is she eating too much sugar/ red dye/ high fructose corn syrup/ etc? Is it a behavioral reaction to one (or more) of her asthma meds? Is it a lack of sleep because of her asthma or anxiety? Did I push her too hard? Not hard enough? Should she be in the school she's at (an accelerated magnet school for kids at or above grade-level)? The questions and doubts go on and on... Of course, I know the rational answers to many of these questions, but it doesn't stop the thoughts from niggling at the back of my brain. And once she was diagnosed, there were even more questions: Should we use medicine to help her? Should we move her to another school? Should I homeschool her? And if I did homeschool, how could I possibly meet some of my family's other needs (like clothing, food, shelter and insurance)?
And, of course, there are always a few other uncertainties that crop up. Where will Princess Tippytoes go to Kindergarten next year? If I'm at a new school, will they let me register her there or will she have to go to her neighborhood school? If she has to go to her neighborhood school, how will she get to and from school? Who will take her? Will I have to ask my parents to take on yet another of my parental responsibilities? Is that fair to them? And where will Mr. C go to preschool next year? (I'm not overly fond of where my DD is going right now and want to send him somewhere else) I'm sure I could think of more, but you get the idea. Too many questions and not enough answers! Trying to figure out what I should do and what was best for our family is exhausting, draining, it just plain sucks!
In the past, whenever I'm supposed to do something or change something in my life, God has been pretty clear about it. I just knew that Culver-Stockton was the college that I should go to. (That college led me to my best friend, who in turn led me to my husband.) A few years later, I just knew that I was supposed to move back home. After having several different options, there was just this huge feeling of rightness when I was talking about moving back home and I knew it was what I was supposed to do. Fast-forward a few more years and I just knew that I was supposed to marry my husband (we didn't even technically date before we got engaged). In terms of my job, I can look back and see a natural progression that God has led me through. I can see why I didn't get the job with an autism program in another town... that a few years later, I got to work where I do now and create my own autism program for the district in my hometown. And I just knew that this is the house we are supposed to be in (even if it's not my first choice in terms of style) because things just fell into place... a friend of the family offering to sell it to us for less than it appraised for... for what we could afford... a house with a layout very well-suited to a family with young children and enough space to stay in for many years to come (if not forever). And if that's not enough of a "sign", the house number is our anniversary: 1009 (we were married on October 9th)! I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've always been able to feel God leading me... letting me know where I'm supposed to go or what I'm supposed to do. But these events lately... well, I'm just not getting those feelings. Or I'm getting mixed signals. Whatever it is, I just wasn't finding the answers that I've been looking for. And so, I've been in my funk... preoccupied with finding the answers to these questions whenever something else wasn't taking up my attention, and sometimes even when other things were taking up my attention. I'd be busy doing things or enjoying myself, but as soon as there was a lull, the weight would come right back and settle on my shoulders. The questions would come back, hungry for answers.
And then came yesterday. Yesterday, a few things became a whole lot clearer. I found out that the reason that we are not going to be at our current school next year is because they are extending the autism program, creating another classroom for 3rd- 5th grade students with autism (something I have been wanting them to do/ telling them they need to do since our program started 5 years ago). We will be moving to a school that will have 2 rooms as classrooms and a room between to share as a sensory/ break room for the students. Best of all, this school is our neighborhood school. Yes! I will have a 2 block commute! How awesome is that- especially with the price of gas! I have heard nothing but good things about this school and the principal (so far), and I am looking forward to moving there next year! This puts an end to my many "job-search, possible-career related questions". I can stay with the same district, doing what I love and keep my salary and insurance for our family (wow! we will be able to eat!). This also answers the question of where Princess Tippytoes will go to Kindergarten next year, since it's her neighborhood school. It also goes a long way to convince me that Miss B should go to this school next year too. It will make things easier, having both girls at the same school- especially if it's the school where I teach. It will also solve the issue of after-school care for Miss B. I realize that next year, Mr. C will still be at my mom's, but after that, all 3 kids will be in school. It would be nice to have them all at the same school and to have them at the school where I teach. That way, we won't have to worry about who will meet the bus and watch the kids until I get home.
As for Miss B, with her ADHD issues, I contacted the teacher after she'd been taking the medicine for a week, to see if she had noticed a difference. I received a glowing report, stating how Miss B was focused, participated in class discussions, and hadn't needed to be redirected at all during the week! It was like Miss B's teacher was finally seeing the wonderful child that we know her to be! that was another huge weight that was lifted... So many of our doubts were cured with that one note (at least for now).
And, as for church, we're where we're supposed to be for now. That's all I need to know.
So, with all of this weight lifted off my shoulders, I feel better. I feel positive. I can breathe a little deeper now. I don't have to spend so much energy trying to figure out the answers to all my questions and that translates into having more energy for other things. I actually walked today (something that I'd been scrimping on lately, if not slacking altogether). And tonight I actually did 2 other good things. First, I made dinner- a dinner that I had planned on my menu! And second, I actually cleaned off the exercise bike and I rode it tonight- for the first time in 3+ years! So, all of that blabbering on was really just to say that "weight-lifting" can have a really powerful, positive effect on you. Not only in solving some of your problems (problems that are the proverbial weight on your shoulders), but also by freeing up energy to focus on and do better things for yourself! Of course, it was also just a big old excuse for me to vent... to write down and work through some of the things that have been piling up and attacking me for a while. So, I also thank you for listening/ reading if you've made it this far.